Anchor Litter

She is Kenyan, but wants desperately to stay in Rwanda and will do anything for it. Or, she is in love with someone who will never return her love, and she knows getting pregnant is the only way to keep him. Either way, that lady will do whatever it takes to get what she wants. These are my theories, anyway.

A quick reminder, readers, that all names here are changed to protect them.

Who is this? Gnu, our next door neighbor’s dog, that’s who. She has not been spayed (long story, don’t worry about why), is in heat, and Yoda is her target. After a day of amorousness, with poor Yoda pinned down at one point—I’ll not get into more detail than that—Yoda and Gnu are now in seclusion from each other. Apparently, female dogs are in heat for at least nine days, so we will have to let them out into the yard in shifts. If you’re wondering how it is that Yoda is neutered (mostly…), yet still able to respond to Gnu’s call, that’s another story requiring a lot of unnecessary details. The most important thing is that he won’t be able to produce Yoda juniors. We think.

To give you a little background on this, our next door neighbor, with whom we share a yard, is fostering a rescue dog from Kenya. Little Gnu was already here when we welcomed Yoda to the family, and they both had quite the adjustment the first few weeks. To cope, Gnu started a fight club, although she was really the only true member. Yoda wanted nothing to do with it, but he had no choice. To his credit, he always let Gnu win the fights. After a few weeks, they learned to get along. But now, Gnu will soon head to the States to reunite with her original owner. Before she goes, I fear she wants to take more from him than he can give her.

I sat down for an interview with her to get the real scoop. Here is the abridged transcript:

Me: How do you turn this thing on? Apple makes such great products, but this app…ah, here we go. Okay, it’s on. Would you please state your full name for me?

G: Gnu of the Protein Bar Clan.

Me: Will you admit that you started fight club?

G: I’ll not deny it.

Me: And do you know the first rule of fight club?

G: Everyone knows the first rule of fight club. That’s a clown question, bro. Let’s move on. Why are we really here? I’ve got a bone marrow waiting for me in my bowl. Let’s move this along.

Me: You want hardball? Alright, then. Is it an anchor litter you’re after? Are you trying to become a Rwandan citizen, like so many before you have done? Or are you trying to trap Yoda into marriage?

G runs off to chase a squirrel.

Me: I’m not finished with you yet! Answer me! You want Yoda to be your husband so you can hold the title as wife of the Master of the Order and the Grand Master.

G: Was it really necessary to Taser me? Yeah, and what if I did (brandishing a lightsaber)? What are you going to do about it? He’ll learn to love me. I will be the mother of his puppies, he’ll have no choice. And they will become Jedi.

Me: I’m going to play this interview back for him and he’ll know your dirty plan. He’ll fight you in court for your children if he has to, but he won’t marry you. And he’ll get custody, I’ll make sure of that!

G (chasing her tail and laughing): And how will he know after I tell him your little secret?

Me: Gasp. You wouldn’t.

G: Try me.

Me: I don’t care, actually. He needs to know. He’ll be fine when he finds out.

G: Oh, really? He’ll be fine when he sees those bad white commuter sneakers you bought him, along with the Smartrip pass? Oh, you don’t think he’ll put two and two together that he’s moving with you to DC? You think he’ll be okay when he realizes he won’t be able to chase his precious hawks and play with the gardener?! Or lie in the sun when he’s not being taunted by the kids going to and from school?! You and I both know he can’t handle Beltway traffic! And watching Crossfire and Rachel Maddow every night or having to fake interest in a boring conversation with an unimportant person at yet another networking event? He’ll kill you in your sleep. I’m doing you a favor.

Me: It’s not true! He’ll love it! I’ve signed him up for knitting classes. For a wine appreciation course. And ballet booty barre. He won’t even remember how to find Rwanda on a map.

G: You think he’s going to eat IAMS every meal??? Sure, you give him a few scoops with his rice, veggies, and meat to get him used to it, but when you fill that whole bowl with it, he’ll throw it in your Kiehls-covered face. I’ve seen it before, sister.

Me (sobbing): You’re right. He belongs here. I’m selfish for thinking otherwise. You belong here, too. He’ll learn to love you. He’ll get used to the fact that you never bathe.  And the age difference of 63 dog years.

G: Yes, yes, my dear. Now, just let him out of that crate and I’ll have a talk with him…

To be continued, dear readers, to be continued…